Thursday, October 12, 2006


In California (especially Silicon Valley), they don't gripe about the weather-- they gripe about the high cost of housing. For those of you just starting out (or for those of you who have already been there), allow me to offer you:

The Complete Guide to Apartment Ad Deciphering by Justine Ehlers

What They Say vs. What It Means
Spacious - To anyone living in their car. That's why we're charging $200 above the going rate

Easy access to transportation - Particularly in Mountain View and Sunnyvale, this can mean:

(a) in the flight path of Moffet Field
(b) next to the railroad tracks
(c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
(d) a&b, b&c, c&a above
(e) all of the above

Friendly staff - Doberman pincher mentality
Free utilities - That's the only way we can entice people in this dump. Would you pay this high rent AND the water and garbage?
Heated pool - Only when the sun's out and there's water in it
Workout room - Four walls, some free weights, a machine or two and a clunky stationary bike
Great views - Overlooking the garbage dumpster, overlooking the pool, overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment
Affordable - to:

(a) anyone with an income of $100K
(b) anyone with wealthy parents
(c) anyone who is wealthy
(d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing

Please fill out our marketing survey - "What?! You didn't fill out the annual income? We can't show you anything until you fill that out. You won't? I'm sorry, but we can't show you anything."
Pets welcome - Kids aren't, we just never got the odor out AEK - All Electricity Kancelled W/D - Will be Disgusted or Worried/Depressed people AC - Atrocious Carpeting
WWC - Wall to Wall Crap
Great rent bargains! - located in East Palo Alto (Complex insurance does not cover bullet holes in car, self-protection devices, frequent theft and/or life insurance)
Light and airy - Built as cheap as we could, cold and drafty
Secure parking - The manager's apartment overlooks the parking lot, no one's been robbed on the street
Move in bonus! - No one else wants it, it hasn't been rented in six months, includes last tenant's stuffed parrot
!!! - Desperation is directly linked to the number of "!"s used
Rustic - Classic 60's decor, nothing has been fixed since the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake outhouse is in the back, only one heating vent

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