FINISH IT

I heard this on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished Off 23 Bud Lights, a bottle of Absolute, a package of Oreos, the remainder Of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and A box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

STUPIDER AND STUPIDEST

In Honor of Stupid People . . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce th e rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Is there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

CALIFORNIA LIVING

In California (especially Silicon Valley), they don't gripe about the weather-- they gripe about the high cost of housing. For those of you just starting out (or for those of you who have already been there), allow me to offer you:

The Complete Guide to Apartment Ad Deciphering by Justine Ehlers

What They Say vs. What It Means
Spacious - To anyone living in their car. That's why we're charging $200 above the going rate

Easy access to transportation - Particularly in Mountain View and Sunnyvale, this can mean:

(a) in the flight path of Moffet Field
(b) next to the railroad tracks
(c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
(d) a&b, b&c, c&a above
(e) all of the above

Friendly staff - Doberman pincher mentality
Free utilities - That's the only way we can entice people in this dump. Would you pay this high rent AND the water and garbage?
Heated pool - Only when the sun's out and there's water in it
Workout room - Four walls, some free weights, a machine or two and a clunky stationary bike
Great views - Overlooking the garbage dumpster, overlooking the pool, overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment
Affordable - to:

(a) anyone with an income of $100K
(b) anyone with wealthy parents
(c) anyone who is wealthy
(d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing

Please fill out our marketing survey - "What?! You didn't fill out the annual income? We can't show you anything until you fill that out. You won't? I'm sorry, but we can't show you anything."
Pets welcome - Kids aren't, we just never got the odor out AEK - All Electricity Kancelled W/D - Will be Disgusted or Worried/Depressed people AC - Atrocious Carpeting
WWC - Wall to Wall Crap
Great rent bargains! - located in East Palo Alto (Complex insurance does not cover bullet holes in car, self-protection devices, frequent theft and/or life insurance)
Light and airy - Built as cheap as we could, cold and drafty
Secure parking - The manager's apartment overlooks the parking lot, no one's been robbed on the street
Move in bonus! - No one else wants it, it hasn't been rented in six months, includes last tenant's stuffed parrot
!!! - Desperation is directly linked to the number of "!"s used
Rustic - Classic 60's decor, nothing has been fixed since the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake outhouse is in the back, only one heating vent

BRAIN CRAMPS

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've ! lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, ! Washington, DC.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"! -A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California! I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.!

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they ! can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

PUMPERS & LEAKERS

We had a crazy day at the golf course. A person was hit on the head with a golf ball. He seems smarter now. A cart ran into the end of an open gate almost killing the guy on the passenger side. Fortunately, he managed to avoid a direct blow to the head, but he did suffer a glancing blow to the chest which cracked a couple of ribs. Just before going home, I took a walk in the woods to look for golf balls, stepped on a fallen tree limb which flipped up and tripped me. I thought I was okay except for some bleeding from a small wound on my right shin. I took out the first-aide kit and bandaged it the best I could. It seemed to bleed a lot for such a small injury, my sock had turned completely red by the time I patched myself up. That night, I cleaned and re-bandaged this small in my leg and went to bed. Not wanting to bloody up the bed in case it started bleeding again during the night, I took some old sheets and a couple of pillows and camped out on the kitchen floor. To my surprise, in the morning I awoke to something much like that horse-head-in-the-bed scene in Godfather. I was lying in a pool of my on blood. After cleaning myself up once again and miraculously only getting blood on tile floors and not the carpet due to my adept new skill of towel walking, I woke my wife and told her that she needed to drive me to Emory Emergency. Sunday morning is a much better time to have an emergency than Saturday night. We were in and out in two hours. After deciding whether I was a pumper or a leaker (I was the latter), they stitched me up and I'm as good as new except I couldn't run for a week. Turns out I had punctured a vein (leaker) not an artery (pumper). It wasn't going to quit bleeding until I got stitches or stuck a hot knife into the wound like they did on Gunsmoke.

MUTANT COWS

I went to see Barnyard one evening, but it had to overcome some serious gender-bending going on. This animated venture just might be the Transamerica of computer-generated family films. It's a mildly funny movie that entertains young audiences, but one aspect is utterly mystifying: The two main characters, father and son bovine creatures, have large, distracting udders. If you can get past that hurdle, the movie has some funny sequences. While still trying to fix my brain's broken logic circuits from seeing that Barnyard flick, I watched Fight Club on TV. I thought this movie was about fighting not a film about masculine identity in the service class. It was dark, yet funny, inspiring much laughter, both nervous and hearty, with one of those Sixth Sense endings. Just what I needed. Think my brain has suffered a severe blow to the logic matrix from viewing these two films. Where did I put that book that I was going to read?

HAWKISH ENCOUNTER

I was putting out signs for a golf outing the other day when
I came upon a huge hawk stalking a squirrel. The had just
shot up a tree, leaving the hawk on the ground who was now
glaring up at him trying to figure out his next move. I thought
I would do the squirrel a favor and shoo the hawk off. I tossed
some ice cubes from my drink at him, but all it did was switch
his glare from the squirrel to me, the ice tosser. He was only
ten yards from me and when I went eye to eye with him, I
thought that the the ice strategy might have been a poor plan
of attack. The hawk seemed to grow larger by the minute. I got
out of my cart to maybe join the squirrel in the tree, but the
hawk didn't come any closer. This gave me the chance to pick up
some pebbles to throw at him. It became abundantly clear why I
never pitched in the major leagues as the rocks sailed to the left,
to the right, in front of, and over his head. None them phasing the
hawk. I don't think he has any natural enemies and, therefore,
didn't see me as a threat to him, especially with the inaccuracy of
my "wild thing" arm. He starts walking down the cart path to get
a better look at his next meal while I'm scrambling to find something
more intimidating to throw at him. I go into my lunch bag and pull out
a couple of grenades (cokes) and fling them at him. One flies over his
head, but the second coke lands at his feet, spraying him with
carbonated cola and sending him soaring off into the wild blue yonder
in search of a local bird bath.