A COLLECTION OF TWEETS

Your Grandparents had Elvis Presley, your parents had
Michael Jackson, we have Lady Gaga. witness the
decline of the human race

Killed a mouse this morning, then I discovered it was
the one for my laptop.

Four miles today, near house. First two done with
sproing in my step. Last two were like a glass of
sweat with two legs.

While wife was on vacation in St. Simons with her BFF,
I watered the artificial plants. She is still
laughing.

If you want to protect your tweets then I don't want
to follow your because you are missing the point.

Brain fuzzy. I need a shave

Empire State Building not lit for Mother Teresa's
100th birthday. Owner is a low-life that will
never share her cloud.

I took a mulligan the other day after I puked when
my drive went into the lake.

Bike day today. I need to do this more often
my screaming quadriceps femoris tell me.

I just sprung a wikileak.

Daisy Khan. Isn't that Lil' Abner's girlfriend?

Seven pars and 2 doubles on the front nine today
for a 39, then after a tripple I fell into the
abyss, hitting a 51 on the back side, sucks.

Did not run yesterday. I feel strange.

You can always tell slime by the way it oozes.

I didn't know it was Crazy People Will Call You day.
Expect a call from me.

Ran like I had an anchor around in my shorts yesterday.
Hope Dan Rather is a no-show today.

It is run, ran, run. Why do people go to college
nowadays? They don't appear to be teaching anything.

Should I run the big hills today? Thinking, thinking,
thinking.

Age only matters with cheese.

That was not a homeless man running down Peachtree
today, that was me. Next time I will put some clothes
on. Don't know if that will attract more or less
attention.

Would someone please come up with something original
before I pop a pimple!

Ran for an hour today but I didn't go anywhere.

When did government decide to become god?

New fence is up. The dogs are so confused that they
are barking at each other. The birds are singing.
The squirrels are stealing their seed.

Using peasant fishermen as a acurate informational
source is not my way of learning the truth. Didn't
know Barbara Steisand fished.

Putting up giant privacy fence Monday because
neighbood is hoarding dogs next door. The dogs
think anyone on our patio is a giant squirrel.

Gulf oil and salt water tastes better than Starbucks.

Obama's choice: Boy Scouts 100 year anniversary or
the View, on 5 days a week? Boy Scouts are too young
to vote and they are trusthworthy. He picked the View.

Got 3.8 miles in today. Yeah, it is odd, but so am I.

Didn't know the temperature gauge in my car had tripple
digits.

Ran 4 in 101 heat. Caught a tailwind on the way back.
It made golf seem easy.

Victoria's secrets launches a new bra named Holland,
it has a lot of support, but no cup.

Keep waiting for Malcom to visit his dad on Breaking Bad.

Draw a bad fox and call it a dog, clever.

Someone should explain to Starbucks that their 'tall'
is very short.

Dear ABC, nobody watches Project Runway so stop pushing it on
your morning show.

I waiting for the Nissan Twig to come out.

Would like to see Tom Cruise go after Barry Bonds on his
misguided use of steroids like he did Brooke Shield and
her happy pills.

Funny how yesterday singers like Sheryl Crow always say
something stupid when they are about to release a new album.
Spare me a square!

Chavez says he is in changing the spelling of 'Venezuela' to
'Vuvuzela' so he can continue to toot his own horn.

Sex has been banned on the International Space Station.
There go my dreams of being an astronaut.

Waiting for the Hooterville trolley. It runs faster than me, but
not as often. And t doesn't have to TRAIN because its a TROLLEY.

Holder also will make NBC his official news source preempting
the need for him to read boring laws himself.

Holder declares that anyone attacking the USA will be referred
to as "Those people who must not be named."

Teenagers drink twice as much as they did 10 years ago.
Mind you, they were only aged between 3 and 9 ten years ago.

GAGA protests against BP's oil spill in the Gulf by refusing to
use BP oil for her tour bus. Me, I don't go to her concerts to
save gas.

Multivariable calculus like taking derivatives of matrix-valued
functions is commonly used in statistics. Professional
tic-tac-toe is hard.

Coast Guard stopped barges from cleaning up oil spill until they
could confirm that there were fire extinguishers and life vests
on board. This does confirm that idiots are running the
government.

The England team visited an orphanage today. It's
heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope"
said Jamal aged 6.

THIS JUST IN: Al Gore replaces Michael Scott at Dunder Mifflin.

My wife keeps me around to lift heavy things, open jars,
and kill bugs.

University of Tennessee is giving a degree to Gore who produced
a documentary that the British High Court says has 9
significant errors.

THE 2010 PEACHTREE

It is the morning of the Peachtree Road Race. I up and ready to rumble. Wait a minute. It is only 3am. These internal clocks are tricky on days like this. I roll over and do a light doze until 4:30am. I'm up again, and this time it is for real. My running gear is neatly laid out the night before where I won't have to scramble to find anything. I get the coffee perking and take a quick, cold shower to wake up the rest of me. I normally take hot showers, but they dehydrate me too much to have one before a race.

I'm out the door at five. The streets are empty except for the occasional car heading for the same destination that I am. I arrive at my secret parking space near Piedmont and Peachtree around twenty after, ten minutes before they start closing the side streets. That really makes the Buckhead residents mad. They all have to be somewhere on race day, of course, and they can't wait to complain to their congressman about how their street was blocked. It won't do them any good for the race brings a bundle of revenue to Atlanta. From my parking location, it is about a mile to the start. I use the walk to warm-up my legs. The rest of me is still debating if I really want to do this. Shouldn't I be sleeping?

I soon arrive at Lenox Square and stakeout my park bench in an undisclosed niche of the mall. Here I suck down the precious fluids that will allow me to finish this thing without passing out. It fun to watch the new arrivals from the MARTA trains The new runners wander around trying figure out where they are supposed to be. some are here early to sneak in the wrong coral. I see several L's headed for the D coral. Later, to their chagrin, they will be yanked and sent to the proper starting coral. It doesn't do any good, however. People pour into the race, starting around the 5 mile mark where the monitoring ends. It wouldn't be so bad if these slowpokes stayed in single file, but they often are seen 5 abreast, clogging up Peachtree for the real runners. Seeded runners do not weigh 250 pounds, have a pot belly, and walk while socializing with their friends.

Speaking of bodies, every type of body shape you can imagine runs Peachtree. It is the only place on Earth that you can really look weird, but normal compared to the person standing next to you in this sea of humanity.

I have a Lower race number than last year, but back one coral to E instead of D. Who's doing the math around here? The smell of cigarettes permeates the air. Gag! A volunteer is taking a smoke break. He's doing this in front of the wrong crowd and is admonished for it.

The race has started. some of the runners in my wave cross the starting line too soon. This is as if they have already started even though we are still standing here. Boy, will they be disappointed in their finish times. At last the E's are rolling down Peachtree, some of us not aware that they are already logged as starting 2 minutes ago.

You would think I could spot one friend in a crowd of 55,000. Of the 55,000 runners there are only 50,000 official finishers. Most of those 5,000 non-finishers are those that jumped in along the way. I see dads putting their kids in about a mile from the end in order to get a photo of them crossing the finish line. Training your kid to cheat doesn't seem to be the best idea. How do they they tag the photo on Facebook, I wonder, "My son finishing the Peachtree he didn't run?"

I am on pace until the big hill at Piedmont hospital. After that one, my day is done. I put it in cruise and drag myself through the next 2 miles. I end in a blaze of glory, taking advantage of the downhill when we turn onto 10th Street. Amazing to see all the runners. Most of them I think I am faster than, but why can't I keep up? Is that Lindsy Lohan blowing pass me? At least she waved.

They need Hooters to cater a post-race party. Instead, we get a water bottle here, a banana way over there, the coveted T-shirt in between, and if you have the energy, one can obtain a Powerade far away and in the opposite direction of everything else. I need a couple to replace the lost fluids, and be able to make the return trip of 5 miles to my car. Once, I could back the whole way no matter how hot it got, but now it run the downs and walk the ups for me. It is energy conservation is the theme, instead of get there as quickly as you can in days gone by.

Going back to the car is the fun part, watching the endless stream of runners doing their thing. I liked the pub crawlers mimicking the military groups that run in formation behind a flag barrier, only their flag has a beer mug on it, and none of them are in step, They take a break under a tree near WSB and draw a cool one from a keg strategically stationed there. I also saw a Chinese couple in the middle of the countless runners, taking a stroll down Peachtree Road in shorts and sandals, apparently enjoying a tour of the city. They were not the slowest people in this phase of the race.

A Panama Jack (he has the hat) looking homeless guy was having fun waving at everyone. I don't know at what point he decided to jump in the race, but he hit every water station. One Water station obstructs the entire sidewalk and has tough looking dudes directing people around it, up one driveway and down another for no good reason. This year, I ignored them and ran against the flow until I was safely past the ill-placed tables adorned with cups of water and Powerade. This is really more a water hazard than a place to quench your thirst, obviously thought out by educators.

I'm at the car. Now I can drive home and relax. Mission accomplished.

MY LATEST

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND

I got myself beyond where man came from for now, finding the universe quite an amazing place, and its existence, us included, even more amazing. I'm reading a book on the string theory, the theory of everything which would include monkeys and man I hope. The string theory tries to harmoniously combine the theory of relativity and quantum physics. Should the universe begin a "big crunch" sort of process, string theory dictates that the universe could never be smaller than the size of a string, at which point it would actually begin expanding. That would explain the infinity part, but where did time, space, matter come from? If this book enlightens me I will get back to you. I don't think we are supposed to know in this life, but maybe in the next one it will be explained. A trip to the billions of stars in each of the billions of galaxies would be nice.

PORTAL TO PORTLAND

On my Portland trip Denver leg, I sat next to an India girl studying Jacobson's ring theory, which deals with mathematical endomorphisms, before we took off. Once in the air, she tucked her legs under her, wrapped a shaw around her like a cocoon and remained in this position the entire trip. I expected a butterfly to emerge when we landed. But to my disappointment, and probably hers, she did not morph into anything.

From Denver to Portland another strange person sat beside me. She had this catalog of acupuncture needles was reading and marking her selections. I was didn't take a nap for fear of waking with needles sticking out of various sensitive areas of my body. I wanted to apply the cocoon method of in-flight napping, maybe on the flight back.

People way too polite here. I went to get gas for Ward's CRV and was approached by a man holding a stick. I thought I was about to be car-jacked, but after persuading me to roll the window down, he asked me how much gas I wanted, filled the tank, and cleaned the windshield with the "stick" which turned out to be a squeegee. When was the last time you got an attendant to service your car?

Back to my coffee,

PUMPED

I pulled into a truck-stop coming back from a visit with my daughter. The pumps were all occupied, so I waited for a guy in a sports car, small like mine, whose spot was partially taken by a big U-Haul truck, leaving only room for a small car in the leftover space. While I was pumping my gas the guy in the U-Haul came out and jumped into his truck. I assumed he had paid for his gas and was going to drive off. He had room to pull out. I finished pumping and went inside to purchase coffee, something I have done a thousand times. While standing in line to pay, the man in the man in the U-Haul stormed through the door displaying his ire for the driver of the red sports car, blocking his pump. I will exclude the profanity he was spewing from his little mouth, attached to his little head, sitting atop his little body. When the ooze subsided, I employed the skills I've learned dealing with heated situations in my line of work. I calmly replied that I was the owner of the car in question, I was sorry for the inconvenience, and being next in line to pay I would be out shortly. All said with a big, yet insincere, grin on my face. After one look at me he quickly realized that I his 145 pound, 5 foot, 6 inch frame was no match for my 6 foot, 210 pound, all muscle frame. His regret for having left all his weapons in the truck was evident. He immediately started backing out the door, redirecting his anger at the cashier, cursing him for not keeping the pumps free of unattended vehicles. Technically, he might have been right if this idiot was not violation of his own imposed rules. He had been blocking 1.5 pumps for 15 minutes already and had yet started to fill his 40 gallon tank. I, on the other hand, was in and out in 10 minutes. His plan to occupy two pump stations while he filled his behemoth had been foiled by two sports cars that fit in the little space he had left in front of his vehicle. I figured his wife had kicked him out of the house, though I can't imagine anyone living with this varmint, or maybe he had lost his job and was relocating. Whatever, as I pulled back onto the interstate, the words of a song came to mind, "Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself." The coffee was good.

COFFEE IN THE MORNING GOOD FOR YOU?

15K TRIBBLE MILL PARK RUN

I ran Tribble Mill today because it got below 90 degrees for the first time in awhile. The paved path is a loop around the lake that measures 3.1 miles. I did three loops with a break after each loop to take on fluids, giving me 15k for the day. Enjoy the photos below which I took on a previous run at Trebble Mill park.


STAY

PLENTY OF SUNSHINE

ONTO THE PATH

BRIDGE AHEAD

NICE DAY

I COULD JUST SWIM ACROSS

GETTING WOODSY

KIND OF SPOOKY NOW

ABOUT HALFWAY AROUND LAKE

ANCIENT ROCKS

STONEHENGE UNHINGED

EXTENDED HILL BY ROADWAY

LEFT TURN AND STILL A HILL

ANOTHER HILL

BRIDGE BUILT BY BEAVERS

THE SAME LAKE

WONDER WHAT I CAN BENCH PRESS

OVER THE SWAMPY AREA

STILL THERE

ART

Abstract expressionism allows a broad range of stylistic diversity within its largely, though not exclusively, nonrepresentational framework. Tell me what you see.

A RUN AT MOUNTAIN PARK PARK

Mountain Park Park has about two miles of trails and paths you can run. Some are a more dangerous venture when baseball is being played. Several neighborhoods are nearby that are runner friendly, making it easy to put in many miles without repeating yourself. One mile is measured for those who want accurate interval training. Markers are placed every tenth of a mile, have fun!




MPP IS ON FIVE FORKS TRICKUM. (I KNOW)



OFF AND RUNNING AT REDUNDANT PARK.



EVERYDAY IS A WINDING ROAD, NOTHING TO CROW ABOUT.



HAVE I GONE A BRIDGE TOO FAR?



WHO PUT THIS HERE?



MY DOCTOR IS A QUACK, DO YOU KNOW HER?




MUST BE ONE OF THE FIVE FORKS.



DID I MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE? ACTUALLY, I DID GO RIGHT.



THAT'S NOT MY CAR!



NEED TO TALK TO FEMMA ABOUT SOME NEW RUNNING SHOES, MINE GOT WET.



HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN, JIGGETY-JIG. (SORRY, MOTHER GOOSE)

ECONOMY FIX

This is from an article in the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

The Business Section asked
Readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I think this guy nailed it!


Dear Mr. President, Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on Lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. - Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement

With the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress and their constituents Pay their taxes...

And Mr. President...while you're at it...make congress retire On Social Security and Medicare...I'll bet both programs would be Fixed...pronto!!

SEVEN BEARS

Ran the US 10K Classic on Labor Day. It has seven hills which I call the seven bears. This is the first time that they did not completely wear me out. Each mile has at least one hill that spoils the pace goals you have set up for yourself prior to the race. This race has also changed its complexion regarding the type of runner it attracts, or maybe the contemporary runner has mutated to be a majority of boot camp grads mixed in with a sprinkle of serious runners. I'm kind of in between, a serious runner that is slow as molasses. Of the 13,000 runners on hand, about 3,000 of them were serious. I was number 2338, on the bottom end of the real runners. However, I had to run through a slew of participants that could not have possibly began at the start line. Publix was a major sponsor of the race, and for awhile it looked as if I was waiting in a checkout line that was backed up waiting for a price check on the Green Giant le Sueur early peas. Saw several tough looking ladies that could probably run through a brick wall. Atlanta seems to be the native habitat of the six foot blond woman. One in particular was pushing a stroller with twins, carrying a backpack, listening to her itunes when her cell phone starts ringing in her backpack. It is hubby wanting to know of her progress. I felt good after finishing and decided to run back to the car. Tried to go back the logical way, but was blocked by a couple of nice people acting like thugs.They funneled all the energetic people up the road in the opposite direction from where we wanted to go and required that we cross the path of the shuttle buses not once but twice, great organizing job.

The Twisted Dozen, Vol. 1

1) Saw the neighbors lighting the torches so I cut the grass today.

2) My dining room table says having a conversation with Barney Frank
would be like arguing with a dining room chair, an untenable SITuation.

3) Being on a golf course at six in the morning can lead to strange
encounters like monster frogs.

4) Bug guy is here. Had to convince him that I was not an infestation.

5) I fought the shrubbery and the shrubbery won. Where is Monty and
the Knights of Ni when you need them? I'm bushed.

6) Pelosi is protected by the enormity of her stupidity.

7) Day trip exploring lake Allatoona/Red Top Mountain area. Found
Sherman looter stealing nuts from squirrels.

8) Timothy asked Congress to increase the $12.1 trillion debt limit
on Friday, and release all counterfeiters from prison.

9) Fourth wedding anniversary today. went to see Monet exhibit and
the botanical gardens. Tropical plant wanted me for lunch.

10) New extreme sport: water-boarding.

11) New clown czar appointed by Obama. Will be in charge of
dispensing clown hats, big shoes, red noses & little horns to toot
to the senate and house.

12) The government breaks up AT&T because it is a monopoly, but
want to become our only health insurance provider? Oink!

A DAY AT THE OFFICE

Peachtree 2009 started with the usual 4:30AM WAKE UP!!! A quick shower and a
liquid breakfast to-go and I was on the road. Arrived at the Kroger parking lot on Piedmont at 5:30AM. After checking that I had everything like number, hat, ID and sunglasses, I started the trek up Peachtree to the starting line. Along the way I noticed an officer with a friendly looking dog coming down the street. The dog had a hyper-active nose, he was smelling everything. I surmised that someone had dumped some drugs to avoid being caught with a stash. Soon, I saw the same thing on the other side of Peachtree, another dog, not as cute as the one on my side of the road, sniffing everything in sight. Then it dawned on me, it was the bomb squad looking for explosives! During the race, I saw one lady running wrapped up like a mummy. I stayed clear of her in case she blew up. You never know.



THE START
My queue area was the Lenox parking lot. There was no rhyme nor reason to the way the port-a-johns were arranged, back-to-back, facing each other, making it next to impossible to form a line in front of them. One guy in our twisted, meandering line that coiled itself back toward the bandstand for the evening fireworks show, came up with a master plan, going through the rows of green closets and knocking on each to determine if they were occupied. Thus, our line dissipated while the other lines grew exponentially as more and more runners arrived from the trains. I found my friend at our UDL (undisclosed location), a place we can sit until moving to our start location. One idiot came down our way and relieved himself on a wall instead of the ample bushes nearby. That is going to smell when they open the mall for business I thought. He also apparently thought he was well hidden behind the clear, glass doors...NOT!
We got to our starting corral at 7:00AM. I remembered that I had forgotten the bottle of Gatorade I was going to drink 5 minutes before the start. I grabbed a couple of cups of water, but it is not the same. One guy in our corral was painted like the flag. Should we salute this fellow? An Asian guy thought he had discovered the perfect pickup line, accosting every good-looking girl he could find and reminding them to be aware of the timing board across the road this year to record when you cross it with the chip tied to your shoe. Why he thought this little bump would endanger only young women and no one else is one clever mystery to me.



MILE ONE
Taking it easy to check out the system. All signs pointed to a good race. Mainly, the legs felt rested and springy. One poor fellow was seen running against the current, trying to get to the starting line without being trampled in order to get his chip recorded, otherwise, his time would not be recorded.
A couple of goofs that had inched their way up to the front of our group before the race turned out to be pretenders. They were walking! I gave them my best frown as I blew by.



MILE TWO
Where the fun begins. T-shirts being tossed in the air and chaos taking place in the scramble to obtain a Planet Smoothie or a Chik-Fil-A T-shirt for nothing! Except maybe breaking your neck. My baseball skills got me a Planet Smoothie Tee just for me. Ripped it from the outstretched arms of a pretty, young thing. They are always the intended target, it seems. For those who missed breakfast, a donut or a slice of pizza was available on the sidelines.



MILE THREE
Not many jump-ins this year probably because everyone had a timing chip, and you don't get recorded if you don't cross the starting line. We reached three miles in 32 minutes, not as good as expected but I still felt fresh for the hills to come. Hit the water stations big time in miles 3,4 and 5.



MILE FOUR
Long haul to drag myself over the hill at Piedmont hospital and the Sheppard spinal center. When you see people in wheelchairs cheering you on, it makes the pain in your legs and lungs go away. Raced all the old ladies I saw up the hill, a matter of pride.



MILE FIVE
A lesser, sneaky hill to overcome here, and you haven't recovered yet from the big one. What's this? An unopened Coors rolling across the pavement in front of me. Resisted the temptation and didn't break stride. Got into a footrace with Superman, at least he looked like Superman, cape included. He was faster than the elderly ladies, had to let him go.



MILE SIX
After making the turn onto 10th, it is all down hill. As we passed the photographers, one guy stops and congratulates himself, then looks puzzled as runners continue passing him by. I gave the news that it was a photo finish and the real finish was another quarter mile down the road. I've never seen a more disappointed look. The finish is still so spread out between water, t-shirts, port-a-johns, find-your-friends area and other refreshments that it takes another 2 miles of walking to cover each station. I opted for water, t-shirt and friends before heading for the car 5 miles away. Watching the other runners helps pass the time, 55,000 is a huge amount of people. I can only imagine the logistics required to move 100,000 soldiers around on a battlefield. It seems easy when you read it in a history book, but it must have created much chaos in reality.

TEN FROTHYS PLEASE

1) Believing 9/11 is an inside job is being so open-minded that your brains dropped out and proves only half of us have IQs above 100.









2) Most sizzling Peachtrees were 80 degrees at start: 1970/1973/1977/1980/1983/1994. This proves that Al Gore never ran the Peachtree. Ready to win Peachtree. All I have to worry about is stride length/frequency, ground contact time, isometric torque, hamstrings/quadriceps ratio, asymmetry. Did I mention anthropometric, gait and lower extremity strength characteristics? I can win this Peachtree! I can, I can...maybe not.

3) Minnesota - land of 10,000 comedians. Al Franken will fit right in with the rest of the goofballs in congress.

4) Class reunion last weekend. Everyone is older but I am younger than that now.

5) I'm on a road to nowhere, but at least I know where I'm going.

6) When you run in the heat your running buddies turn out to be trees, and your brain seems to focus on only one thing, a banana popsicle.

7) NATURAL CHEESE. What does that mean? Is something going on in Wisconsin that I don't know about?

8) What is Victoria's secret anyway? Does it have anything to do with pizza? Does she work at Fellini's?

9) Antiperspirant is nice and all, but it takes SO LONG to cover my pony.

10) "Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers." - Homer Simpson

GOLF MAY NOT BE YOUR GAME IF

1. You started playing golf because Play It Again Sports
gave you an even swap on a set of golf clubs for your
old StairMaster.

2. The only muscles you have are golf muscles and only
your bathroom mirror knows this truth.

3. Your once had visions of joining the senior tour when
you retired until you found out that triple digit scores
would not qualify you.

4. The last time you played a skins game you had to
mortgage the house to cover your losses.

5. The PGA Tour had a charity tournament to pay for
your golf lessons.

6. A video of your golf swing got 5 million hits on
You Tube.

7. You hit so many water balls that you carry a wetsuit
in your bag.

8. Pro golfers throw things at you to when you ask for
their autograph.

9. The only thing of value your got you from your
divorce was a box of Pro-V1's which the lawyer kept for
his fee.

10. When you play by yourself, you still don't win.

11. You were able to "fix" the last golf tournament you
entered.

12. You threw your underwear at Tiger while attending
the Masters in Augusta this year. He complemented you
on your tiger costume.

13. You have Golf plays that you call while on the
course.

14. You charge $20 or more for an autograph while
playing, no takers yet.

15. Your handicap is over 20 but still dream of
making $9 million per season on the pro circuit.

16. You took golf lessons from Charles Barkley.

17. You read the book, "How To Break The Rules
And Get Away With It."

18. Your 5 year ban from Augusta ended last year.

19. You do everything possible to disrupt the play
of your opponents.

20. Your golf shorts have never been in the laundry.

21. You have a 3-stroke limit per shot.

22. You have exceptional intelligence and can count
to over 100 except when you play golf.

23. You change the rules as you play.

24. You have to be accompanied by bodyguards when
you play at your club.

25. You wear a shirt that says "Leave me alone" when
you play.

26. Other golfers tend to taunt and punch you, hence,
the bodyguards.

27. Pro golfers try to renegotiate their earnings
when they see you following them.

28. Golf is the only thing that you are in shape
to do.

29. The only time you drink and drive is when you
play golf.

30. You don't hear birds chirping when you approach
your ball like when you watch a pro golf tournament
on TV and wonder why.

WHAT TO DO ON A RAINY SATURDAY MORNING

Here's is what I did last Saturday as if anyone would want to know:

I woke up at 5:30 AM this morning. Why would a retired person get up this early, you ask? Crazy my wife says. I mean, the squirrels haven't even raided the bird feeders yet. Today is The Thrill in the Hills 21K Trail Race. I know thiswould normally motivate me, a morning run in the woods, but it is pouring down rain outside and my stomach was hosting a virus that it was determined to eject. I crawled to the shower to wake up the rest of me with steaming hot water. I dressed for the weather, poured myself a big glass of chocolate milk, and was out the door before six. Not many vehicles on the road at this hour on a Saturday morning, only thing you have to do is avoid the loonies feeling their way home from a Friday night to remember. When I reached Winder and turned onto the road to the park, I saw blue flashing lights in the rear view mirror. I pulled to the side of the road to let three Winder prowlers zoom by, probably heading to an accident caused by a possum crossing 316. It had rained all night, meaning the trails would be slippery and perhaps flooded, but I didn't imagine just how bad it would be. I passed the time waiting for the race to start listening to CCR and trying to decide what-to-wear. At last it is time to go to the starting line. The hardest part of a race is waiting for it to start. Before me was a long, half mile hill with a clearing for the power lines full of tall grass with a narrow trail in the middle. As I was feeling the ions being sucked out of me, the gun went off and about 300 of us brave souls headed up the big hill, jockeying for position. I quickly established my place in the pecking order toward the rear of the pack and dared any stragglers to pass me. By the time I reached the top of the hill, I felt like I'd already run 4 miles. The thought of doing another 13 miles made me wonder about my decision making capabilities. It didn't get any better after we turned right into the woods where the same narrow trail was now bracketed by tall pines. The overnight rain had done its damage, the trail was wet and sloppy with plenty of puddles. These puddles caused an immediate backup, and the task of packing 300 people onto a trail wide enough for maybe two people at most, turned the race into a social stroll until we sorted ourselves into a single file. Still, the novice runners who thought they were here to view the natural surroundings and sniff the flowers, kept trying to avoid the puddles and keep their newly bought trail shoes pristine. I felt like throwing mud balls at them, but soon found that it was easy to pass by running through the puddles, leaving a big wake that soaked the squeaky cleans who opted to avoid getting their feet wet. Unknown to them was that. The most solid footing was where the water runs off, while the sloppy goo lies to the side of the trail. These people would pay me back later, when they passed me lying face down in the mud. Three times I slipped and fell! After the third fall, I decided to throttle back and enjoy the scenery. Falling down consumes much needed energy, and after 7 miles the hills became taxing. Each one took something out of me even at a slower pace. My legs remained strong, but my heart rate started to max out every time I thought about a hill. The rain kept coming, turning the path into a small creek in places. One mud hole came up to my knees, still I push onward. All the From 7 to 13.1, I averaged 4 minutes a mile slower than the first 7. I passed a poor girl at 10.5 who had the chills, but the water stop people had her wrapped in blankets, not giving me the benefit of an excuse to drop out of the race to assist her. I saw no one in front or behind me for the last two miles of the race. This allows your mind to work on you. You start to think that maybe you took a wrong turn which leads you to test your tracking skills, examining the shoe prints in the mud to see which direction they are going. When you discover 4 going one way and 1 going the other, it is time to panic, choosing the majority direction doesn't ease the paranoia. Soon, you think that you may be running around in the woods for another week or so. When all hope of reaching civilization again is lost, you see someone waving a flay at the top of a hill. As you draw closer you realize that the wording on the sign says FINISH. After an inspired dash to the finish, I try not to pass out as I remove my chip. Only then do I see that the clock guy and the flag guy are the only two people left around. Walking down to the awards building where the bananas, PowerAde, and medals are given out, I find it empty. A Dirty Spokes truck is outside already loaded and ready to go home. Am I the last finisher? The last person I saw was the cold chill girl at mile 10. Did the rest of the runners behind me also drop out? We all paid to be tortured. Should slugs be discounted because the super fast have all been accounted for. In addition, the T-shirts for these XTerra trail events have become generic. Two years ago, there was a big frog on the shirt and it said, "Thrill in the Hills." The new ones just say, "Terra Series." How many of these do you need? I don't know whether I got an age group medal or not, no one was around to tell me, and there was supposed to be a medal for finishing this run in the quagmire. No one around to give me one of those either. Back at my car I wipe off the muck with a towel, somehow manage to reach my shoes to untie them, and peel my sticky wet shirt off and replace it with a dry one. I head home empty handed, dreaming of a long hot shower to rid myself of the mud and blood (left knee bore the brunt of the three slip downs). Next race, the INGA half marathon ON PAVEMENT!

WHY KIDS PLAY VIDEOS

Ezra's parents have been trying to cut back on Ezra's constant video game playing. He's got a compelling argument:

Ezra on playing video games: "I know you don't like me playing video games, but it's my job to do it...."

"...and it's my first video game and I haven't played it in a while and so I HAF to do it."

YOGI TALK

From brainyquote.com:

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.

How can you think and hit at the same time?

I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.

I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.

I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

I never said most of the things I said.

I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.

I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.

I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em.

If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

In baseball, you don't know nothing.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

It ain't over till it's over.

It ain't the heat, it's the humility.

It gets late early out there.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

It's like deja-vu, all over again.

It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it.

Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting.

So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.

The future ain't what it used to be.

The only color I don't have is navy brown.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.

We have deep depth.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.

ATTENTION GOLFERS

From bunkershot.com:

The USGA Would Like To Inform All Golfers of a major rule changes to the game of golf, that will go into effect after November 4, 2008.

This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being written now.

Here are a couple of basic changes.
Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played.

The dollar amount put in for bets will be as follows:
-for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
-between 11 and 18 no additional amount
-above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play.

The term "gimme putt" will be changed to "entitlement"
and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements
-handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
-handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above. This is intended to "redistribute" the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against every other player's gross score.

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness Only, it should have nothing to do with Ability.